Celebutards Gone Wild

Celebutards is Back Online

2008-02-06T18:57:00.000-06:00

After a year long hiatus Celebutards Gone Wild is back online. Tell your friends, or the goat gets it.

Celebutard Quicky

2006-09-25T22:07:00.000-05:00

Since this blog is run by an over worked corporate whore whose free time is spent in a class room I haven't posted in a while- so I'll play catch up in 'Celebutard Quicky'.

Anna Nicole's son dies in the Bahamas while the toxicology reports are still pending, I suspect drugs had something to do with his untimely demise, unless of course Miss Peacock & Mr. Plum have recently vacationed in the area, then I suspect a candle stick and a possible lead pipe might be involved.

Michael Jackson is shopping around Ireland for a possible new home. Bizarro Peter Pan is apparently looking for land to build another amazing theme park filled with all things Irish like leprechauns and magic. Only this time the rainbow leads to a child sex ring in Frankenpan’s bed.

Cameron Diaz & Justin Timberlake are claiming they were nearly run over by an enraged photographer after the two chased after him. Too bad Shepard Smith wasn’t the photographer; he’s a way better driver.

Jessica & Ashley Simpson’s father has decided to become a photographer. Hooray, another creepy old man with a camera just what the world needed. Maybe Joe Simpson can mail a photo of Jessica’s perfect smile on a post card that reads “Jesus Loves you” to one of those physically deformed kids in some 3rd world country, because the Enquirer doesn’t deliver to the Congo.

and finally the popular reality TV bounty hunter, ‘Dog’ Duane Chapman was arrested in Hawaii & extradited to Mexico after capturing Max Factor heir Andrew Luster in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico for rape charges he was wanted for in the United States. This story has all the trimmings of a Celebutard pick of the month. The US government punishing a man who did the US & the world a favor is now sitting in a jail cell in a country that ironically, has stated they will not turn over their own people whom commit crimes in the US.
This might be the only time in history that someone has uttered the phrase; "Damn! I wish I had been born in Mexico."

The Death of a Legend

2006-09-04T02:17:00.000-05:00

I do not want to believe what I just read. 10 minutes ago it was announced, the man, not the myth; Steve Irwin “the Crocodile Hunter” has died. A stingray punctured his heart while diving off the coast of Australia, because of this today shall be known as Black Monday. The World's most awesome man has died. A passionate conservationist and wild life icon he went to the extreme for everything he loved; reminding us of the kind of person we're supposed to be. He was a hero, and the world is a darker place with out him.

Our hearts go out to his grieving family.

RIP Steve Irwin (1962-2006)
A candle twice as bright burns half has long.

CBS Watch! Thinks Katie Couric is Fat

2006-08-30T20:53:00.000-05:00

The CBS network promotional magazine Watch! Decided their cover picture of "CBS Nightly News" anchor, Katie Couric was too fat, So they digitally remastered her ass by airbrushing 20 lbs off of her.

Couric, 49, said she hadn't known about the digitally reworked version until she saw the issue. The former NBC "Today" show host told the Daily News, "I liked the first picture better because there's more of me to love."

Whatever Katie this is a nice way of telling you, you're a fattie. It has nothing to do with you being a female. Just look at your predecessors, Dan Rather, Walter Cronkite, perfect male specimens. I mean the list goes on, then there's Chris Mathews, or our favorite Michael Moore, all handsome, and in perfect health... while you're, well you're fat, and so is Nicole Ritchie.
So do the world a favor, do CBS a favor, lay off the salad dressing, we want you ~~115 lbs.~~ 100lbs with 38d and in your underwear. Then we'll listen.
Sincerely,
The World

P-Diddy Gotz Nothin' on CNN

2006-08-30T20:29:00.000-05:00

Kyra Phillips, anchorwoman of CNN's "Live From...," came to a horrifying discovery yesterday when her gossip session in the ladies room at CNN was aired LIVE- across the planet, overriding President Bush's Katrina speech.

Phillips microphone had been experiencing "technical difficulties" during the live broadcast, which is a PC way of saying their network royally fucked up. For 5 minutes of the speech all you could hear was Phillips talking to an unidentified coworker about her love life, and among other things, her brother's "control freak" wife. If you missed it you can thank your God for the internet. Because the internet knows all. Like a magic 8 ball with ears. It's that good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dp7QhEeQF_o

The Emmys-Monkey Style

2006-08-30T18:27:00.000-05:00

The Emmy Awards have come and gone and I'm still experiencing the hang over from the amount of booze I had to consume in order to convince myself these awards were not dished out by retarded monkeys. It's the only explanation for 'Arrested Development' walking away empty handed.
Superior wit and sarcasms is just too complicated for their tiny retarded brains.
It’s the only explanation.

August Celebutard of the Month- Mel Gibson

2006-08-24T02:38:00.000-05:00

Well August is almost over and that can only mean one thing, time to name our Celebutard pick of the month.
This month we've chosen the master of disaster himself, Mel Gibson.

He managed to get arrested, blame the Jews for the Holocaust, make half the world hate his guts, and devastate his career all in one night of drinking. What a pro.

Naming him Celebutard of the Month, was the least we could do for the man, who's given so much for us to criticize.

Katharine McPhee Is Eating Again

2006-08-24T02:19:00.000-05:00

American Idol runner-up Katharine McPhee has announced she's no longer counting her caloric intake during her tour.

"My diet? Because I'm on tour, it's not very healthy," the most recent "American Idol" runner-up tells Us Weekly magazine in its latest issue, on newsstands Friday. "But I'm not controlling (about) my weight anymore, I don't do any weird, disordered eating things anymore, thank God."

This leaves me with only one question, “Do I care about this?”

The answer is No… No, I don’t. Fuck you McPhee eat a cheeseburger, and shut the fuck up.

Paramount Cans Cruise

2006-08-22T21:22:00.000-05:00

According to the Wall Street Journal, Paramount studios have decided not to renew Tom Cruise's contract.

The Viacom chairman stated "... we don't think that someone who effectuates creative suicide and costs the company revenue should be on the lot."

Creative suicide. Paramount fired Tom Cruise and kept Steve-O, to produce a second "Jackass". A second "Jackass"!
This is priceless. Paramount thinks Steve-O is less of a liability than Tom Cruise. Oh my god what a slap in the face. If I were Cruise I'd kill myself right now. He's probably crying his beady little eyes out to his brainwashed girlfriend as we speak.
Maybe if he had stapled his balls to Oprah's couch then set it on fire he'd still have a job.

Live and learn Cruise, Live and learn.

The Barkers Fight- Kevin Smith Style

2006-08-16T22:54:00.000-05:00

Pseudo punk rocker Travis Barker & his soon to be ex wife Shanna Moakler decided to go on a blogging rampage over the weekend, openly attacking each other for the demise of their marriage on the popular website; myspace.

The couple probably spent hours sobbing over mocha lattes and OE, feverishly pounding away at the keys of their $4,000 laptops, trying to drowned their sorrows in the pity pages of their myspace blogs.

Up until now no one knew these two were celebrities.
However why they’re famous is not important, the fact that they’ve come out swinging like Kevin Smith bringing the smack down to the world wide web for the entire world to laugh at, is what makes them awesome.

Delayed Posts

2006-08-16T21:52:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I had SARS.
My doctor said I'm really just a lazy bastard, but who in the hell is going to accept that as an excuse?
SO... SARS it is.

Oops...Brittany Did It Again

2006-08-16T20:53:00.000-05:00

Brittany Spears told People magazine during a recent interview that her second child was unplanned. "It just kind of happened," the singer admitted, but reassured she would defiantly wait before having another child.

Why in the hell does Spears continue to give interviews? Even though every aspect of her life is continually criticized by pretty much everyone, she continues to open her mouth and share personal information that a 10 year old would advise, was in her best interest to keep to herself.
Maybe next she'd like to schedule an interview with the 140 year old catty shrew, Barbara Walters to further her journey on the path of degradation.
If I were Brittany I'd fire my PR person, then I'd leave them stranded in Africa without a passport all Naomi Campbell style. Because the world doesn’t need super stars with idiosyncrasities, we need self involved lunatics with anger issues.

Paris Wants to be an "Artist"

2006-08-16T20:25:00.000-05:00

Paris Hilton is promoting her new, cleaverly named album "Paris". Due out... sometime.
Accoring to the Yahoo AP story,

"I can understand people prejudging on that fact," she said Tuesday outside Specs Music Store on South Beach, "but the music speaks for itself."

The music industry is only big enough for one moron whore with rabies and Courtney Love beat her to it. Looks like I'll be shelving her cd right behind my copy of Old Mr. Mackle Hackle.
Now he's got talent.

Patrick Swayze Under the Impression People Still Care About His Opinions

2006-08-07T03:04:00.000-05:00

Patrick Swayze has come to the defense of actor/director Mel Gibson over Gibson's recent drunken anti-Semitic tirade.
The "Dirty Dancing" star commented "people say stupid things when they happen to have a few..."
I don't know about Swayze, but last time I was drunk I spent 2 hours babbling about how underrated the band Queen is. I didn't slander an entire group of people, blaming them for their own genocide during WW2.

Swayze then stated if anything, Gibson should only have his hand slapped for the drunk driving charge.
In your face;
Nick Nolte, Glen Campbell, Tracey Gold, Natasha Lyonne, Chris Klein, Cynthia Watros, Aidan Quinn, Wynonna Judd, Billie Joe Armstrong, Bobby Brown, Nick Carter, Steve McQueen, Sergei Fedorov, Scottie Pippen, Steve McNair, Derrick Coleman, Alexei Yagudin, Dwight Gooden, Eduardo Guerrero, and Paula Poundstone, Swayze hates you.

Paris Hilton is a Genius

2006-08-07T02:48:00.000-05:00

In an interview with the British edition of GQ Magazine, pseudocelebrity Paris Hilton claims she's celibate, confirms she's politically inept, and then compares herself to Princess Diana.

"I've been in cars trying to get away from speeding paparazzi before and it's horrible, so I can relate to Diana and the problems she had," - GQ Magazine

I recommend reading the full article, for the full celebutard effect.

I'm speculating her "celibacy" is less about choice, and more about her having herpes. I'd tell the world I was celibate too, if everyone on Earth knew I was a walking petrie dish.

However my favorite part of the article is when she responded to a question regarding Tony Blair with the answer, "WHO?..."

Thanks to this article, over the weekend I realized that if you reread the book "Flowers for Algernon" and replace Charlie Gordon with Paris Hilton the book is now funny.

Madonna Is Not Jesus

2006-08-04T00:39:00.000-05:00

Madonna's plan to stage a pretend crucifixion during her Sunday concert in Rome, has outraged the religious community.

"Madonna does not think Jesus would be mad at her, as his teaching of loving thy neighbor and tolerance is Madonna's message as well. The context of Madonna's performance on the crucifix is not negative nor disrespectful toward the church." - AP

It appears being criticized by Madonna is like having a mentally handicap person pee on your floor. It's unpleasant, but completely unavoidable.

Apparently dressing like a pirate from the discount rack at Wal-Mart , big shiny crucifixes, and magical red strings are the only three things she hasn't criticized.

Frankenstein Doesn't Pay Bills

2006-08-02T14:10:00.000-05:00

Some of Michael Jackson's super lawyers are terminating their services with the singer, since it's come to light he's not fond of paying his bills.
The firm Wachtel & Masyr, claim Jackson owes them $48 million dollars in back fees.
Jackson claims he fired the firm for undisclosed reasons, however Jackson firing lawyers is like saying he doesn't molest children.

Elton John Knows Fashion

2006-08-02T13:48:00.000-05:00

Elton John made a plea to rock n' rollers everywhere to give up the t-shirt, tattoo, and piercing trend, because "it's not pretty."

You know what else isn't pretty?

Elton's fugly ass poured into a wedding dress.

Seriously, he's the last fucking person on this planet who should be giving fashion advice.

Mel Gibson is a Racist

2006-08-02T01:55:00.000-05:00

Apparently spewing crazy hatred is nothing new to Actor/director Mel Gibson. Comments he made to Former Republican speech writer Peggy Noonan during a Reader's Digest interview 2 years ago have surfaced, where Gibson basically makes light of the Holocaust.

“I mean when the war, was over they said it was 12 million. Then it was six. Now it’s four. I mean it’s that kind of numbers game …”- Fox News

He states he's known someone who had worked in a concentration camp, and that ‘the holocaust was a number game', and (recently) that the Jews are some how responsible for 'all wars'?
He's like the crazy homeless guy you meet at the gas station who sits on the curb yelling out incoherent expletives and hate speech. You know what we do to those guys? We beat them to death with baseball bats.
Because no one likes a racist, but we all love irony.

...and at least after watching Mad Max get his ass beat by a bunch of kids with bats, I wouldn't want my $18 bucks back.

Julia Roberts Gets A Real Job

2006-07-21T01:50:00.000-05:00

Julia Roberts has become the spokeswoman and chair of Dallas-based Earth Biofuels' advisory board.

"It's very important that we expand our use of clean energy and make a long-term commitment to it. Biodiesel and ethanol are better for the environment and for the air we breathe," -AP

After making this announcement Roberts drove by limo to her private boat, so she could get to her private jet. All of which, of course, runs on fairy dust.

Haley Joel Osment Is Also A Great Driver

2006-07-21T00:58:00.000-05:00

Haley Joel Osment is in good condition after crashing his '95 Saturn into a cemented mailbox, early Thursday morning.

I'm not going to make fun of his '95 Saturn, and I'm not going to make an "I see dead people, but not mailboxes" joke.
However, I am going to mention that even though Osment is 18 & wrecked into a mailbox, he's still a better driver than Daniel Baldwin.

Announcing Suri Cruise

2006-07-20T22:10:00.000-05:00

'King of Queens' star Leah Remini claims she held Suri Cruise over the weekend, and Suri looks just like Tom & Katie.
Well 'Celebutards Gone Wild' is proud to announce Remini isn't the only one to see the newborn this weekend. Introducing the first ever photo of Suri Cruise!

Suri looks like a 50 year old L. Ron Hubbard? Why is her face in black and white?

Who died and made you Sherlock Holmes?
This photo is 100% real, no half-assed Photoshop jokes here.
...None at all.

Daniel Baldwin is a Great Driver

2006-07-20T21:32:00.000-05:00

Actor Daniel Baldwin was detained Wednesday for questioning after wrecking into 2 parked cars going 80 mph on a suspended license.

Baldwin refused to cooperate with a police officer, who drew his gun to get the actor to comply, Officer Jason Lee, a police spokesman, said.
"The officer had advised him many times that he should get on the floor and not move and he would not listen so the officer took out his gun and pointed (it) at him and asked him to stop moving," witness Nina Sharafi told KCBS-TV.

Doesn't Daniel Baldwin know America has a new Celebutard Autoban? It's called the state of Arkansas. If you're going to endanger lives with the excellent driving skills you picked up on the set of "Car 54, Where are you?" you're suppose to do it there.
I mean he's not as attractive or even as talented as Keith Richards, but he's still famous... kind of.

Nicole Richie is Fat

2006-07-20T20:46:00.000-05:00

Reality TV star Nicole Richie reportedly collapsed Saturday while shopping at Kitson in LA.

“She was looking through a rack of clothes when she suddenly fainted and hit the floor,” an “eyewitness” told the mag. “The staff helped her to a chair and offered her something to eat. She shot back, ‘No!’ and mumbled something about it being ‘so hot.’” -MSNBC.com

Now I know what you're thinking.
Is it right to make fun of someone with an "eating disorder"?

So I went out and asked some starving children what they thought and here is what they said; "What's an eating disorder? Please feed me..."

I'll take that as a resounding YES! In your face Richie you fattie, fat, fat, fat.

July's Celebutard of the Month

2006-07-19T17:50:00.000-05:00

Gov. Mike Huckabee announced recently that his state of Arkansas is prepared to pardon Rolling Stone's musician Keith Richards for reckless driving charges from a routine traffic stop back in 1975.

"The governor said he got the idea for a pardon when he realized that Richards' impression of Arkansas "was marred by a misdemeanor traffic stop." - AP

Richards probably can't remember what he did yesterday, let alone more than a quarter of a century ago.

It must make the residents of Arkansas proud to know their fearless leader is more concerned about the opinions of a 100 year old guitarist, than addressing the fact that his state ranks last on pretty much everything from economics to education.

That is why I'm awarding "Honorable" Mike Huckabee with the first ever Celebutard of the month award.
Hooray for Huckabee!